


Stupid Sexy Striders

by catlikeConspirator



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Actually maybe just a diff timeline I’ll decide later, M/M, Meat Timeline, Short, just adding to Dirkkat hell dont mind me, kind of just a shitpost?, pre-ult dirk
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-30
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:35:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23653963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/catlikeConspirator/pseuds/catlikeConspirator
Summary: Karkat gets sick of Strider shenanigans and is immediately met with more Strider shenanigans.
Relationships: Dirk Strider/Karkat Vantas
Comments: 4
Kudos: 22





	1. A Short, Nubby Moth Drawn To A Red-Hot Hot Orange Flame

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] 

TT: Hey.

Karkat stared down at the notification on his phone, immediately unnecessarily angry. Strider was the last person he wanted to talk to right now, and that meant ANY Strider.

TT: So I hear you dumped Dave. 

TT: Or, more screamed at him and Jade a bit more incoherently than you usually do before storming out of the house. That's rough bud. 

CG: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TEXTING ME? 

CG: FULL OFFENSE DIRK I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW. 

CG: LIKE, YEAH, I JUST WENT THROUGH A BREAKUP SO I WOULD APPRECIATE THE TIME TO WALLOW IN MY OWN SELF PITY INSTEAD OF HAVING TO ANOTHER STRIDER UP HIS OWN ASS. 

CG: GOD, WHY DID I JUST SAY THAT TO YOU. FUCK YOU STRIDER THIS IS YOUR FAULT FOR TEXTING ME. 

The emotionally distressed troll had to put his phone down at this point. The rage and embarrassment was almost too much to handle and he decided he should quit while he's ahead. However, he immediately went back against his better judgement and picked the phone back up anyways, furiously typing away at the keys. A short, nubby moth drawn to a red-hot hot orange flame. Wait, what? What the fuck.

CG: DID DAVE TELL YOU TO MESSAGE ME? HERE'S MY MESSAGE BACK: FUCK YOU. BOTH OF YOU. I'M NOT GOING BACK AND I'M DONE DEALING WITH THIS BULLSHIT. AND ALSO FUCK YOU TOO DIRK. 

TT: No, he didn't. I think Dave is smart enough to know that if he actually wants to get through to you and fix the trainwreck of a relationship you guys have, he'd send Rose. Or Jade, if he really wanted to fuck things up worse. I'm here with my own interests in mind. 

CG: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? 

TT: You're on the market. I'm on the market. Not that I need to be purchased from said market, but a man has his needs Karkat. His desires.

This is starting to get fucking stupid.


	2. Have Fun At John's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk decides to be straightforward with Karkat. Karkat does an incredibly job of playing it cool with Kanaya.

TT: You're on the market. I'm on the market. Not that I need to be purchased from said market, but a man has his needs Karkat. His desires. 

This wasn't happening, right? Karkat thought that he had to be passed out in his temporary room at Rose and Kanaya's after crying himself to sleep. He knew that was bullshit though, it was only the afternoon and he remembered very clearly what he'd been doing all day. It may have been crying anyways, but he sure had vivid proof of memory. After a few more moments along this train of thought Karkat began typing again, as if guided by some puppet master who was making him do whatever they wanted. That was stupid, though. The fact was, he was interested, even if it was maybe a morbid interest.

CG: OKAY. SO. SAY I ACTUALLY AM INTERESTED IN YOUR VAGUE AND NOT AT ALL A BIT SCARY PROPOSITION. 

CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GETTING AT SPECIFICALLY HERE DIRK? 

TT: I'm definitely not trying to scare you here bro. I don't bite, unless you want me to. Sexual communication is very important to me, I'll have you know. But that was also a joke if you couldn't tell...

TT: Unless? 

Jesus fuckin' dick why was Karkat's face burning right now.

TT: But enough fuckin' around I'll give you an actual answer now. I know I may purposefully be hard to get a read on but I've got to be straightforward if I'm going to get a hard-on. I'm inviting you over, Karkat. 

TT: No pressure, Dirk Strider is all about date etiquette. I won't even push the three date rule thing on you. We can chill out like bros. If I'm going to be straightforward right now I might as well add that I think Dave wasted an opportunity with you, and I myself don't think that opportunity has to go to waste. 

TT: So, you down?

Karkat felt incredibly conflicted. By now it was very obvious to him and any universal observers that he was interested. This was really fucked up right? This is Dave's BROTHER. But at the same time...it's not like this was something Karkat was considering out of pettiness. Well, maybe a little bit, even if he wouldn't admit it to himself just yet. But that's not all it was. He'd always been attracted to Dirk, to be honest. He had a lot of the same features as Dave, if they were a little bit stronger? Plus Dirk was kind of buff and looked like he could beat Karkat up but in like a fun way. Karkat was briefly called back to "I don't bite, unless you want me to," before the thought overwhelmed him to the point of throwing his pillow across the room. His phone was silent now, Dirk had apparently spoken his piece and was likely awaiting an answer with that trademark Dirk Strider stoicism. Karkat groaned. He knew his answer when Dirk first texted him.

CG: YOU KNOW THE PAST MONTH HAS BEEN CONFUSING BUT ALSO REALLY FUCKING BORING 

CG: I REALLY APPRECIATE KANAYA AND ROSE FOR WHAT THEY'RE DOING FOR ME BUT IF HAVE TO SPEND ONE MORE AFTERNOON ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT ALTERNIA FOR SWIFER FUCKING EGGMOP I AM GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT. 

CG: SO FUCK IT. 

CG: BUT IF THIS IS SOME PLOY TO PROVE THAT I'M AN ASSHOLE FOR LEAVING DAVE AND THEN MESSING AROUND WITH YOU I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU. 

CG: I WILL RAIN DOWN ON YOU WITH THE FURY OF ONE MILLION FUCKING PLANET DESTROYING METEORS.

TT: I can promise it isn't a ploy against you, surprisingly I'm just a fucking terrible brother. But your threat is duly noted. You have my address, right?

CG: YEAH.

TT: Cool. See you in an hour?

CG: GIVE OR TAKE. 

CG: EARTH C TRANSPORTATION CAN BE A BIT OF A BITCH WHEN YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING GOD.

TT: See you then. 

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]

Karkat didn't give himself a second to think about what he was doing too hard before he started to doubt it, or even worse justify it more. He briefly stopped in the room's bathroom to check the mirror before he realized it probably didn't fucking matter to Dirk what he looked like, the man was already flirting with his brother's ex. He simply slipped out of his room in the Maryam-Lalonde household with the intention of making it to the door before anyone could stop him- ohgoddamnit.

KANAYA: Oh Karkat It's So Good To See You Out Of Your Room 

KANAYA: What Is The Occasion?

KARKAT: WHAT DO YOU MEAN "What Is The Occasion"??? 

KARKAT: DOES THERE NEED TO BE AN OCCASION FOR ME TO STOP SULKING FOR LONG ENOUGH TO GO ON A WALK?

Karkat was just flustered to be caught off guard, which nobody could have seen coming, but he was handling it by making himself look like a complete ass. Kanaya gave him the side eye for a moment after his impression of her but otherwise this behavior wasn't too out of left field for him on any given day.

KANAYA: I Did Not Mean To Be Rude, I Was Simply Happy To See You Out Of Your Room Unprompted

KARKAT: YEAH I KNOW THAT I'M SORRY FOR BEING AN ASSHOLE THERE YOU JUST CAUGHT ME BY SURPRISE.

KANAYA: It Is Nothing I Haven't Experienced Before 

KANAYA: I Hope Asking This Doesn't Catch You Off Guard But Where Will You Be Walking? 

KANAYA: It Seems Like It May Rain I Would Advise You To Take An Umbrella

Okay, think of an excuse Karkat.

KARKAT: I'M GOING TO VISIT JOHN!

FUCK! YOU IDIOT.

Kanaya's eyebrow cocked a bit and surprise, and her nose wrinkled a little as her mouth moved to the side a bit in confusion.

KANAYA: John 

KANAYA: I Hadn't Realized He Was Taking Visitors Again 

KANAYA: He Has Not Reached Out To Rose At All 

KANAYA: I Didn't Know You Two Were So Close

Kanaya wasn't interrogating, the conversation came from innocent curiosity on her end. She did find it strange that Karkat of all people would be visiting John, but she was still happy for both of them to be getting social interaction at the moment. Maybe they were bonding over their issues? Lately know one had seen nor heard from John, so it was relieving to hear someone had contact with him. Karkat, being privy to none of Kanaya's internal dialogue, was sweating fucking bullets. There were a lot of ways he could make his shitty lie sound even a bit more convincing yet he could think of none of them. He opened up his mouth to say something, and-

KARKAT: YEAH WELL YOU KNOW.

KARKAT: I SHOULD REALLY GO NOW I DON'T WANT TO MISS THE BUS TO THE C-

KARKAT: HUMAN KINGDOM!

KARKAT: OKAY NICE TALK THANK YOU FOR THE UMBRELLA ADVICE GOODBYE KANAYA.

KANAYA: Oh Okay 

KANAYA: Have Fun At John's 

Karkat then ran out of the house without grabbing an umbrella. If Kanaya hadn't been suspicious that something was up before that last outburst, she sure was now. However, she had her own shit to do so she didn't dwell on it too much for the moment past a sigh.

KANAYA: What A Silly Bitch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for this being pretty slowburn so far I intended to get much farther with this chapter but realized the night was flying by and I needed sleep, but I still wanted to get something out! I hope this will suffice for now, I promise updates will be more regular from here on out. Also please feel free to give me criticism on Dirk even though I'm shitposting I would love to improve at writing him! ALSO Also follow my twitter @ catConspirator!

**Author's Note:**

> Jesus Christ Dirk is hard to write for, even when I'm purposefully trying to shitpost. I'm no stranger to writing but I am new to writing Homestuck fic, so I'll continue this if there's interest and I continue having the energy. Please take my shitty contribution to this ship that I was trapped into loving.


End file.
